something good for something better

We all know the beloved American classic, Napoleon Dynamite. Well tonight I had an "Uncle Rico moment." You know, a moment where I wanted to go back, to live in the glory days, and remember the past with rose-colored glasses. A moment where I wanted to believe that the past was better than the future could ever be (a false idea, I know, but I entertained it nonetheless). Perhaps it was because I was on a 3 hour car ride by myself, my mind sure does wander into some random corners when its left to think about life, or maybe it was the fact that I had to participate in my favorite Jeppesen Family party via tele-conference, not to mention the fact that while they are all enjoying Mickey Mouse waffles and breakfast by Grandpa, I will be buried away in the biomedical library working out the details of a qualitative research project. Well, whatever the reason, tonight I wanted to go back. Back to life before piles of student loans. Back to a life of vacations and adventures. Back to a life of sleeping on the lawn under the stars. Back to 3 days on and 4 days off--no responsibility attached. Back to ICS. Back to seat heaters and sunroofs. Back to sleepovers with the crazies (my nieces and nephews...crazies is an endearing term, I promise). Back to a 20 minute drive to the temple. Back to parking lots and freeways that are actually FREE. Back to Cafe Rio. Back to friends and people I miss. Back, I just wanted to go BACK.
But that's just it, I can't go back. That was then and this is now... That is definitely the life I sometimes crave. However THAT is not the life that Heavenly Father wants me to have; Philly is where I belong. I have had confirmation after confirmation that this is where I'm supposed to be. I have fallen in love with this city and a whole new crew of friends. My life out here is great, really it is. However, sometimes I crave the security blanket of Utah with a life and a career so clearly mapped out. Out here the options aren't so transparent. The future is uncertain, and we all know my brain needs a plan. I have goals to accomplish that span far more than the next two years. I need to know what to expect. I need to prepare my heart and my mind for the course I am about to follow. Life in Utah was predictable. Expectations were clear.
Really, this is all a matter of trust. Trust that things are working silently together for a much larger purpose than my vision can currently see. Trust that best is yet to come. In the middle of this whirlwind of thoughts, a talk by Elder Jeffery R. Holland came to mind. He discusses Lot's wife and the dangers of looking back..."I plead with you not to dwell on days now gone, nor to yearn vainly for yesterdays, however good those yesterdays may have been. The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind." Okay, I get it. Really, I do. I am being molded by opportunities I could only find here...

Then I exited the freeway and drove right on through center city, nuzzled my way into a parallel parking spot, and realized that this is home.

I've traded in something good for something better...